One of My Biggest Fears

josmirrorThis morning I got out of the shower, wrapped my thin, postpartum, falling out hair up in a towel and one around my body, my lumpy, saggy, wrinkled imperfect body.  I took the towel off of my hair, but didn’t comb it out and called for my 4 year old daughter to come brush her teeth. As I was helping her, she mumbled something to me beneath her foamy mouth of toothpaste. “What did you say?” I asked. She mumbled again. “Okay, wait until you spit that out, I can’t hear you.” She spit, “I SAID, you look pretty, mom.” I chuckled catching a glimpse of my damp frizzy crinkled hair in the mirror brushing across my blotchy face with acne scars and bags under my eyes.

I don’t know when insecurities stole my confidence. I can guess that most of it happened in middle school. Those were some brutal years. Everyone was searching for acceptance, popularity, approval….and I’m sure nobody felt like they had it. I remember in 5th grade, when a boy I liked told me I had a mustache at recess or when I first saw a profile picture of my nose. And, of course, I had braces. I wanted to hide, but it’s kinda hard to hide when your biggest insecurities are on the middle of your face. So I learned coping mechanisms of covering up my insecurities, emotional and physical. If I couldn’t be the pretty one, I’d be the smart one or funny one or athletic one. I was a social chameleon, wearing a mask of insecurities because I never felt good enough.

And so here I am. A mother to 3 impressionable children. And it terrifies me. How will I keep from passing on these vine-green-creeeping-747487-linsecurities to my children? I feel like I do a decent job at telling my children how much I love them, how smart they are, how wonderful and handsome and beautiful they are. But someday, the TV or a magazine or some jerky 5th grader will plant a seed of doubt in their mind that they aren’t good enough and by that time it will be too late. My screams of how great they are will be overshadowed by a seed of doubt and that seed will grown into a vine of insecurities for the rest of their life. You can cut it down, but it will creep back up, wind itself around you and hold on. To truly get rid of it, you have to kill the root. And to kill the root, you have to dig.

I know I can’t protect them forever, but one of my biggest failures is not killing the root of my own insecurities. When my kids see me noticing my insecurities, they learn from it and they will mimic it, looking for their own. I’ve noticed that it is hard for me to accept compliments, from my husband or who ever. I will brush it off and say, “Hahaha, yeah right,” or “it wasn’t that good” or “so and so does it better”. And even if I DO accept it, I don’t really believe it. But when my kids see me respond this way, whether I realize it or not, it is teaching them that I don’t think I’m good enough the way that I am.

jos&i

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that you may have life, and have it to the full.”  John 10:10

So why do we let the thief in at all? When I look back to the seed, when my insecurities began, I see lies that don’t have validity. Someone was speaking out of their own hurt or insecurities, trying to steal something from me or I was lying to myself, comparing myself to the social ideal. But what if we kicked the thief out and learned to speak truth to ourselves? To each other? You are good enough. You are more than good enough! Because you were created by THE creator. That’s it. We are good enough because He created us, not because we’re smart or funny or have less hair on our upper lip, but just because we are His.

I went through the drive thru to get a soda today and an average looking woman handed me my order. When we pulled away, Josephine said, “She was beautiful!” I responded with, “Yes, she was. Everyone is beautiful because God made everyone unique and special.”, thinking I was teaching a good life lesson. “Not everyone is beautiful.” she replied. Oh great, here we go, I thought, I was nervous anticipating who she might be thinking about, “Not everyone is beautiful because some people are handsome.”

I hope she always has those eyes of truth. You are beautiful and you are enough. Even on the hardest days, when you feel like you’ve failed at everything and your insecurities are holding tight….remember that. When you start believing it about yourself, it will reflect in how your children view themselves. And when you start treating other people like they are enough too, they will start to believe it and the roots of insecurities will begin to die and we will be able to live a life that is fully rooted in the beautiful truth of Christ.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  Psalm 139:13-14

Encourage one another today and be encouraged!

Advertisements

37 Comments Add yours

  1. Alison Alford says:

    Bree this is so beautiful! I think you just moved a big shovelful of dirt on your way to digging up roots of insecurity. Thanks for helping me to do the same. I love your heart!
    Alison

    Like

    1. Breetalks says:

      Thanks Alison. Just keep digging, just keep digging….and digging.

      Like

  2. Such wonderful truth here, inspired by such a special little lady. From knowing (from God, I’m sure!) we were expecting a baby, to seeing the beauty in everyone and everything, she always amazes me with her words. She’s truly a wonderful gift, and you are doing an awesome job as a mom to her and your awesome boys. We love your precious family and can’t wait to see your kiddos grow into even more awesome big kids down the road. Also, you ARE beautiful, momma, inside and out! 🙂

    Like

    1. Breetalks says:

      Thanks so much, Melissa. I am blessed and most of the times it is Josephine that is teaching me the deepest lessons about the heart of God.

      Like

  3. Alicia says:

    Ahhh I love you, beautiful friend, inside and out. This struck a chord with me for sure, especially while this second baby stretches my skin and adds lbs I’d rather not think about. I have always had trouble being comfortable in my own skin, and jr high was probably a big starting point for me too. Thank you for bringing the truth into the light and reminding me that I am His…love you so much. (Btw, your nose is perfect and you have a smokin hot bod).

    Like

    1. Breetalks says:

      You are such an encouragement! Thank you. And now I’m thinking….aw shoot, now everyone knows I have a mustache. Ugh. Haha Love you! We are HIS!

      Like

  4. Suzy Elliott says:

    I followed the link on Alicia’s facebook and I’m glad I did. Exactly what I needed to hear today.

    Like

    1. Breetalks says:

      Thanks for checking it out and commenting!

      Like

  5. Rebecca says:

    What a wondrful expression of who you are, Bree. A beautiful person – both inside and out.

    Like

    1. Breetalks says:

      Thank you! I have an amazing family of support to learn from and lean on.

      Like

  6. Maria says:

    Beautiful post Bree! You are a gorgeous mama, inside and out. I’m so glad you put that quote from Josie on here, I was thinking about it the whole time I read the post and it made me tear up to read it again. I pray our children continue to see themselves and everyone around them as beautiful and unique and special. And thank God He speaks through them to remind us truth about ourselves.

    Like

    1. Breetalks says:

      Thanks Maria! I am constantly encouraged by you and the amazing mom you are and am excited to continue learning this crazy thing called life, along side you.

      Like

  7. Kaitlin says:

    I love your sweet daughter- she told my mom at playgroup: “You’re a funny grandma!” She just turned 60 and it led her to face a lot of her own insecurities. She’s taught me that true beauty stems from character traits and maybe to stop looking the mirror so long if things start appearing all over my face I want to hide.

    🙂
    – Kaitlin

    Like

    1. Breetalks says:

      Well said. Thank you so much for sharing. We appreciate you and your beautiful mother so much!

      Like

  8. Krista says:

    It’s funny that I just happened up on your post bc I’ve been thinking a lot lately about when (at what age) I started to really fixate on what I didn’t like about my body and where those messages came from. My family always made me feel beautiful, thankfully. But the constant pics of skinny models was truly tough for me…esp growing up during a time when Christie Brinkley was the IT girl. Blonde and blue-eyed I am NOT and it led to years of insecurities. I’m trying to hard to keep my daughter from some of the heartache by teaching her to love herself as she is.

    Like

    1. Breetalks says:

      Yes and style/fashion just keeps getting more ridiculous. I’m so sad for those false images of beauty. Thanks for sharing some insight.

      Like

  9. Dawn Mayo says:

    BEST BLOG EVER!!!!!!!!! Just accept the compliment 😉 I love and appreciate your well spoken truth telling heart! I know this was God inspired. Thank you for the gentle nudge to change ❤

    Like

    1. Breetalks says:

      Thank you Dawn. It’s so easy to NOT write the hard stuff, but through my weakness, He makes me strong. Miss ya.

      Like

  10. Jaele says:

    This made me cry. I see you as a Beauty All the time Breezy. Love You.

    Like

    1. Breetalks says:

      Same to you Jaele. Love you back.

      Like

  11. Such a beautiful truth. I wish everyone understood it. God thinks you’re worthy, so you are. That’s all you need to know.

    Like

    1. Breetalks says:

      Absolutley! Thank you!

      Like

  12. This was beautiful Bree. I love seeing my daughter grow but at the same time I don’t want her to leave one day. I only have one and was 19 when I had her by the time she leaves the house I will still be relatively young. Time runs too fast, I want to give her the best advice even though she doesn’t like listening at the moment I hope one day all of it will come back to her and she remembers.

    Like

    1. Breetalks says:

      I know, it’s so hard to find a balance between holding on and letting go.

      Like

  13. Shelah says:

    What a beautiful post. We all feel insecurities, it is how we deal with them that shapes our children. It sounds like your daughter knows what true beauty looks like.

    Like

    1. Breetalks says:

      Thank you Shelah.

      Like

  14. Cristin says:

    Awww love this, Bree!! You are such a wonderful, BEAUTIFUL, Momma!!!

    Like

    1. Breetalks says:

      Right back at ya, Cristin!

      Like

  15. mom says:

    Yes, as a mom,I never wanted my children to have pain. But how else can our character grow.since Christ went through pain how much more will I.don’t like it, don’t want it, but I am in the hands of a fantastic God. He knows what He is doing. Love you Bree and I am so proud of you.

    Like

  16. Samantha says:

    It can be so hard trying to raise kids that are strong and confident when you don’t feel strong and confident yourself. Love what you had to say here though, beautiful thoughts. I guess we will all try to hang on and keep trying. 🙂

    Like

    1. Breetalks says:

      Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting.

      Like

  17. rox says:

    I love you so very much. You are so beautiful to me! Forgive me so times I did not help you with insecurities. I have them too.

    Like

  18. This is an awesome post. Daughters seen to always know when to give the best compliments 🙂

    Like

  19. Shann says:

    This is such an important post. I know I’ve let my insecurities hold me back, bit would never want my boys to do that. I love your daughter’s heart and what she said about beauty. So true.

    Like

  20. If I knew then what I know now. So much time wasted being insecure as a child/young adult! It’s nice to see it put into words by another person here. What a lovely post full of positivity for your daughter’s future.

    Like

  21. Tiffany says:

    This beautifully captured the struggle of every mom! I think this is all of us! You are doing it right – and you are both beautiful inside and out!

    Like

  22. Amy says:

    You made me cry. You are beautiful and write the same. Love this post pretty lady!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s